Valentine’s Day, a day that your wallet experiences rapid weight loss and it does this without even going to the wellness center. Until money grows on trees, men will always take Valentine ’s Day seriously because the stakes are high. The best tactic is to plan a trip in advance so that one can keep a partner’s expectations extremely low. Women have a need to always get showered with gifts and in failure to do so, will result to a ‘we need to talk’ conversation and that is not as exciting as an instructor canceling a class. She asked me, ‘‘So what are you doing on the 14th,’’ and I replied, ‘’Saturday is chest and leg day.’’ Women need to understand that Valentine’s Day is just a normal day to men. We do not find spending money on women a fun task. It’s like food. You know she’s going to get hungry tomorrow and men are expected to deliver, like Caesar’s pizza. But if you’re a man and your wallet weighs more than your ego then you can read this newspaper article and ignore this and you can keep throwing her paper like ‘extra extra’. Just remember she won’t be your first neither will she be your last. So instead of spending money on her, you can donate it to starving children in Africa. Fine. Maybe I have been too hard on the women. I will be soft, sweet and sensitive because I hear girls like sweet and nice guys, but me being all that means I am applying for a sex change. I believe that in a relationship it’s the man that keeps things anchored because if he lets the woman dictate, he too turns into a woman. I have come up with ideas of what types of girls do deserve Valentine’s gifts.

1. If she has never bought you anything you can keep it the same, don’t buy her anything. Food does not count. If it did, then you are welcome to buy her tissue as a thank you.

2. If she has dated more guys than the number of free throws the basketball boys miss in a single game, than don’t buy her anything. Because you’re just a guy on her list and of course she told you different. Told that to my exes, it works.

3. If she’s cheated before, buy her a gift. Who am I kidding?

4. If you were her first boyfriend buy her a Lamborghini. A toy one though. Buy her something nice, that will overdraft your bankcard if you can.

5. If she doesn’t message other guys, buy her a new blinder and put it on her, she deserves your undivided attention and definitely a gift. If your woman does not fit any of the above criteria then I am sure you now understand why divorce rates are high in America. Some people can’t be trusted.

1. If she buys you a gift buy her a gift too and think of marrying her. But if she does not strike you as wife material take the present and run. Run to your friends and show them how much game you got.

2. If you are married, spoil her rotten. Being with you is already punishment enough.