[Disclaimer: This story was written satirically for April Fool’s Day. Therefore, it is a false story written for the sake of humor alone. Do NOT, under any circumstances, take any of this story seriously].

With Finals Week just over a month away, students will be trying to prepare with all their might to prepare for their finals. With that in mind, it’s never too early to learn how to prepare the right way! Three brand-new members of Crusader News put their heads together to come up with the Ultimate Guide to surviving Finals Week!

Cleo Naur – SCCC Marine Biologist, Local Mermaid

1. To pregame for your finals, ensure that you crush 15 energy drinks within 20 minutes of your first final. 
2. If you want to pre-game even more and absolutely demolishes those finals, do an all-nighter of “studying” [accepting your fate and just travel to St. Petersburg, Florida, to take on the Inferno Bowl challenge at Nitally’s ThaiMex Cuisine restaurant. You will not accept defeat.]
3. Find some time to yourself to meditate and talk to the Universe. Try to convince the Universe to allow you to pass. Bribe if need be; you know how. 
4. Eat any and all print pages of your notes. Absorb and consume all the knowledge beforehand. *Discretion is advised: Adult supervision is required to prevent overdose of Knowledge™ 
5. Cry for 30 minutes. 
6. I dunno man, do what you think feels right. Geez, you’re ruining our vibe, man. Maybe look over Rick’s or Vera’s notes? They listen in class or something. 

Ivy Bumble – SCCC Sleeping Major

1. Recharge your Aura by plugging into your nearest Wisdom Chamber.
2. Practice beforehand the optimal position to write or type efficiently/think without distraction/look over your neighbor’s work.
3. Tattoo your notes or answers to your body. No pain, no gain, plus what is your teacher gonna do? Tell you get rid of them? Yeah, right. 
4. Go shopping for both a treat to motivate yourself, and a treat to lick the wounds of your inevitable failure (its okay, failure is a steppingstone to success sometime or something).
5. After each final, run for 25 miles without food or water. You may fail, but you’ll be built different.
6. Take your daily vitamin of Super K.  

Hugh Jassman – SCCC Law and Legal Policy Major

1. Consider your other options before taking the final: Move out of the country, drop out of college, change your name, live in a Cybertruck
2. DRINK THOSE ENERGY DRINKS! REAL A+ STUDENTS DRINK 25. 
3. For essay questions, try and fit the word “brainium” somewhere and as often as possible. That’s such a fun word to say. 
4. For multiple choice questions, make your own! Show initiative and creativity – your professor really, really appreciates when you do that on their tests. 
5. Feel free to write a double-spaced apology letter at the end of your test to boost those points. Eh, you never know. 
6. Learn your ABCs by eating Spaghetti-Os. It’s never too late to relearn the fundamentals!